


tell all the truth, but tell it slant

by howoo



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Architect Hyunjin, Changbin has just been released from prison, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Diaspora, Ex-convict Changbin, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Smoking, Texting, don't worry he didn't do anything bad (?), this deals a lot with themes of diaspora identity and sexuality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:46:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23511040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howoo/pseuds/howoo
Summary: Hyunjin feels like all the air has been knocked out of his lungs. He thinks he might be about to throw up, but takes huge gulps of air and the world isn’t spinning anymore. He glances to his side, where Changbin is standing, eyes facing forward, looking at the town below them.Changbin is loud and talks a lot, but his rage is silent and burns white. His fists are balled with so much force, the colors are drained from his knuckles. Hyunjin takes Changbin’s right hand and coaxes it open until their hands are interlaced. He nuzzles the older’s shoulder, breathing in the smell of cheap cigarettes and his natural cinnamon-y odor.“Thank you,” he whispers against Changbin’s jacket and Hyunjin feels him lose a bit of his tension.“I fucked up again, Jinnie.”Or, Hyunjin goes home for Thanksgiving and meets Changbin, his childhood friend who he hasn't seen in six years.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you read my super long fluffy fic and came here expecting more, i'm really sorry to disappoint you
> 
> anyway, welcome to this fucking ride
> 
> DISCLAIMER: i've never set foot in the us and we don't have thanksgiving here in my country, so some stuff might be inaccurate, but hey  
> this deals a lot with themes of diaspora, identity and sexuality. i'm not from the us, but i am a kid of the asian diaspora who grew up in a western country, so at least that part is truthful, i guess
> 
> -the idea came from a post oon sent me from tumblr about a guy who was an ex-con, offering to be someone's fake boyfriend on thanksgiving and promising to be as obnoxious and asshole as possible, as long as he got to eat dinner, but ofc i had to make it sad  
> -i had planned it to be a one-shot, but i think it'd ended up being too long and dense, so i decided to make it multichapter, so it's easier to read and for me to write it

**Friday, November 22nd**

Thanksgiving was always a stressful time of the year for Hyunjin. Not only because he had to hail his ass halfway across the country in order to visit his family, and had to figure out a flight that would be cheap and on a day that he wouldn’t miss too much work, but also because his mom would always come up with a new Perfectly Eligible Korean-American Girl who was the daughter of or the niece of someone she knew.

“It’s time you start thinking about settling down,” she would say in Korean, completely ignoring the fact that he came out to her a few years ago, when he was still in college.

“I’m fine with the way I am right now, mom,” Hyunjin would normally answer in English, earning a scowl from her.

Add the compulsory homophobic comments at the dinner table to the fact that, being a Korean-American family meant that Thanksgiving would be a weird mix of turkey, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce and your regular Chuseok spread - it didn’t matter that Chuseok happened over a month ago -, and you’d have Hyunjin’s least favorite holiday of the year.

He went to the airport, hoping the early snow would cancel all flights, but unfortunately, luck wasn’t on his side. His plane landed safely in Colorado and his father was waiting for him at the gates with a cardboard sign that read “Hyunjin” in _hangul_. It takes him a second to recognize his own name because he’s not familiar with reading it anymore and because no one calls him by that name in New York, where he lives. Even his Korean friends from the Big Apple prefer to call him “Sam”.

Hyunjin gives his dad a quick hug and both of them proceed to the parking lot. Hyunjin’s suitcase is small and he strictly packed for the few days he’ll be staying over, and no more than that. Arriving a few days before Thanksgiving was the biggest compromise he reached with his mom when he was negotiating this trip over the phone with her. 

He leans his head against the cold car window and tunes out most of the trip.

“Did you hear from your mom?” His father asks at some point, when they’ve already reached the suburbs with perfectly square blocks and perfectly trimmed front lawns. 

“What?” Hyunjin asks in English, out of habit.

“The neighbour's son is back,” he looks at his father. “I do not want you talking to him.” His father says without taking his eyes off the road. His tone is final.

“Understood,” Hyunjin says in Korean, looking out the window, right at the moment they passed in front of their neighbour’s house.

* * *

Hyunjin was six or seven years old when his family moved from Las Vegas to Denver. He doesn’t really remember why that happened, but it probably had something to do with his father's work. He no longer was the only Asian kid at school and his parents were also excited to have moved right next door to another Korean family. 

Lewis Changbin Seo was a year older than Hyunjin and being born in Korea, he liked to act on what he liked to call “hyung privileges”, which, in retrospect, weren’t really privileges, considering it only meant Changbin was always the one taking care of Hyunjin. 

Soon enough, they were joined by the hip. They went to the same school, took the same school bus, on Saturdays they went to Korean school and on Sundays they went to church.

Changbin had always been the brave one. He would pick up frogs, geckos and insects with his bare hands, he wasn't afraid of big dogs nor the dark. Changbin was everything Hyunjin wanted to be at age seven.

He was the one who taught Hyunjin how to ride a bike (and eventually, carried him home on his back when Hyunjin fell down and scraped his knee pretty badly), who took him on hikes and showed him which berries were edibles and which ones were not (turns out most of them were poisonous). On summer nights they would camp out in the backyard and when it was too cold outside, they would make blanket forts in the living room.

Hyunjin still had a faint white scar on his knee, from when he fell down the bike.

* * *

Hyunjin’s room, on the second floor, still looks exactly the same as it did when he still lived there as a teenager. It smelled a bit musty and old for being unused most of the year, but he was sure his mom washed the bedding in preparation for his visit.

His old JJ Project poster was still on the wall, the colors now all washed out, but still made him feel nostalgic for his teenage years. He started playing _Tomorrow, Today_ on Spotify and tweeted a meme of Chandler hugging the _Verse 2_ album cover with the caption, “just got home and enjoying some nostalgia feels”, to which one of his friends from work replied with “gay”. Hyunjin simply replies back with “you know me ;)” and puts his phone away.

He looks out the window, to the neighbor's house. The curtains of the window in front of his are drawn shut and they’re the same as six years ago, but now they seem yellowed out. Hyunjin wonders if the room behind those curtains is still the same, if it’s been repurposed for the sewing room Mrs. Seo always talked about. He wonders if Changbin’s posters are still up on his wall, if his CD collection is still there. He wonders if Changbin ever came to visit after he came back from Korea, if his mother airs out the room and washes the bedding whenever he visits, just like Hyunjin’s mom does.

Hyunjin only realizes he fell asleep when his mom shakes him, telling him that dinner is ready. 

She prepared all of his favorite dishes and even left out the vegetables on the dinner spread, which only makes Hyunjin feel guilty for not visiting more often. 

The talk over dinner is both nice and suffocating. He gets to know all the latest gossip about all the Korean families who live in the vicinity. They say that he's missed at church and he promises to go to mass on Sunday.

Eventually, his mom asks if he's seeing anyone.

"I was, but it didn't work out," he answers honestly.

"Was she Korean?"

"No," Hyunjin says chewing on a piece of meat. _It was a he_ , he wants to say, but he swallows his words with his food. It sits heavy in his stomach.

* * *

Hyunjin hates vegetables, he always has. His mom used to ask how he was able to grow tall if he never ate his greens and he only shrugged at that.

As a kid, she wouldn't allow him to leave the table without cleaning out his plate. That was a scene that happened daily at the Hwang household. It usually ended up with Hyunjin eating his vegetables, trying to control his gag reflex in the process. On the nights when Changbin stayed over, though, the older would eat "the nasty stuff" on Hyunjin's plate when his parents weren't looking.

“I’m your hyung, I take care of you.” Changbin said it so often, it was practically his catchphrase.

And Changbin was, indeed, a good hyung. Hyunjin couldn't complain about it, even though the whole age thing means nothing to him.

Hyunjin stopped speaking Korean in public when his friends from school started mocking him and said he had a weird accent. He asked Changbin to only talk to him in English when they were at school and stopped calling the older _hyung, but_ they never stopped being Changbin and Hyunjin to each other. He tried calling the elder by his English name once and it felt wrong, awkward, like he was referring to a complete stranger and not his best friend.

Changbin insisted it was dumb and a good beating would solve it, but Hyunjin was against it because the age of twelve is more about blending in rather than asserting yourself.

* * *

There's a miniscule balcony outside Hyunjin's bedroom window and that's where he goes to smoke in secret when he visits home.

The late Fall wind is biting and freezing. He can only thank the fact that the snow subsided enough so he can stand outside without getting frostbite. 

The suburban side of Denver is quiet. Many houses in the neighborhood were emptied out after the recession, but it's at times like these that Hyunjin misses the constant buzzing of New York. Colorado with its mountains and forests is so quiet he can hear his own thoughts.

He lights up a second cigarette and looks over to Changbin's house. He can see that the lights are on and that their car is in the garage, but Changbin's room is always dark. 

There used to be a tin can phone connecting the two rooms. It was Changbin's idea, of course. He saw it in a movie and thought it was cool to copy, so that’s how they used to talk to each other without using the tightly monitored only-for-emergencies cell phones they had, when it was way past their bedtime, but their minds were too full to go to sleep. 

Hyunjin is in a daze and only realizes there is something happening in Changbin’s room when he hears the window lock clicking and Changbin himself is sitting on the windowsill, one foot out on the balcony and face like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Shit…” Changbin hisses.

“Oh, so you’re _back_ , back,” Hyunjin says out loud without realizing.

Changbin knits his eyebrows in confusion and Hyunjin continues. “My dad told me you were back, but I didn’t imagine it meant like, back _here_ in Denver, at your house.”

The older slowly blinks once, twice. Hyunjin can almost hear the cogs turning in his head, and then his body visibly relaxes, losing the fight-or-flight stance it had seconds ago. He comes all the way out and sits on the ground, lighting a cigarette of his own.

“Since when do you smoke?” Changbin exhales through his nose and Hyunjin watches the smoke disappear in white ribbons into the night.

Hearing Changbin’s voice for the first time after so many years feels both nostalgic and like it’s the first time. It sounds lower and raspier than Hyunjin remembers, but there’s still a nasally tone to it. He sounds more serious too. Older.

The bags under his eyes are heavy, as if they weigh a million pounds, and they are dark, dark, like the sky in Colorado during winter, when it’s so cold, even the stars won’t come out.

“C-College,” it takes Hyunjin a second to finally answer. English stumbles out of his tongue heavily and clumsily.

Changbin chuckles and it’s a huff of air that comes from the back of his throat that makes Hyunjin forget how to breathe for a moment, his fingertips full of electricity.

“When-- when did you get here? H-How long are you staying?” Hyunjin grabs the railing, the wood cold and dry against his palms. It feels like he’s ten again, asking to hang out with Changbin’s friends. 

Changbin studies Hyunjin carefully, like he's thinking if he should really answer or not, and then Hyunjin suddenly remembers that he shouldn't be speaking to his neighbor and they weren't on talking terms when they last saw each other six years ago.

“S-Sorry,” Hyunjin says sheepishly. “I guess you don’t wanna talk to me, after all.” He curls his fingers on the railing and he can’t look at Changbin anymore.

“I--”

“God, you must hate me. Of course you do.”

“Hyunjin--”

“I’m so stupid, why would you want to talk to me? I--”

“Hyunjin, shut up.”

Hyunjin inhales sharply and does as he’s told. Changbin is looking intently at him, his cigarette burning untouched between his fingers. 

“You won’t let me talk, dumbass.” There’s no weight in his words, no heat. “Calm the fuck down, Jesus. You always start rambling when you’re nervous.”

“Sorry…” Hyunjin uncurls his fingers and looks down at them.

"Don't be, it's okay." Changbin's voice is soft, almost a whisper. “I’m not mad at you.”

His voice tone is familiar, it’s the same one he used to use when they were much, much younger. When school grades were their only worry and Hyunjin was freaking out about an upcoming test.

“Last Monday,” Changbin says, picking at the hairs on the back of his neck -- a habit he kept even now that it was in a buzz cut. “I’ll stay until Thanksgiving’s over.”

“Oh. Okay." Hyunjin thrums his fingers against the wood, not knowing how to continue. “Um, so… uh, how are you?”

“Well, aside from literally being released from prison this week, I guess I’m doing well.” Changbin snorts and ashes his cigarette against the ground. 

“I- uh, sorry,” Hyunjin covers his face with his hands. “I shouldn’t have asked that. Ugh, I’m only making you uncomfortable, aren’t I?”

“Hyunjin, it’s fine,” Changbin assures him, holding a new cigarette between his teeth. “I prefer you talking to me like normal. Better than being too considerate. Seriously, chill.”

Hyunjin watches as Changbin struggles to light his second cigarette, the cold wind making the flame flicker and extinguish. _What is normal for us?_ He wants to ask, but this is not the time for such questions. “How are things going over there?” He asks instead.

“Awkward,” he runs his fingers through his hair and exhales the smoke he’s been holding in. “But noona is coming next week, so I guess it’ll get a bit better then. You?”

“Boring,” Hyunjin tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. “Got here this afternoon, but I already wanna go home.”

“Ah, yeah, my mom mentioned something about… New York?”

Hyunjin blushes a little. He hopes the color on his cheeks don’t show in the dark, but imagining Changbin and his mother talking about him warms his heart a little.

"Yeah, yeah. I went there for college,” he crosses his arms over the railing and leans his chin on them.

“Where?”

“NYU.”

Changbin lets out a low whistle and leans back at little, a small smile making his lips curve upwards. “So we have a genius here, huh?”

It’s nice, talking to Changbin like this. The older seems relaxed, no traces of the constant anger he seemed to be feeling all those years ago. It’s like they’re kids again, sitting in their childhood bedrooms, talking the night away, having to wake up early for school the next morning.

It’s just small talk, but Hyunjin feels like it’s bridging the gap between them little by little. He talks a little about work, his shoebox of an apartment in New York. Changbin tells him that he has a niece now, that he’s excited for his sister to arrive.

There’s a soft knock on the door and Hyunjin hears his mom calling for him on the other side. This startles him, and Changbin is also staring at him with huge eyes. He whispers “Hang on”, before climbing back to his room as silently as a cat. He cracks the door open just a bit, just enough for his mom to see his face.

“Go take a shower, son. It was a long day for you, wasn’t it? You need to rest.” She’s wearing a robe, smelling like her usual shampoo and Hyunjin just hopes he’s not stinking of cigarettes.

“Ok, mom. You’re going to bed already?”

“Yes. We have a lot to do this weekend, and you’re going to help me,” she says, the same authoritative as always.

“Ok. Um, see you tomorrow, then. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, son. Be careful not to get sick, your room is too cold.”

Hyunjin simply smiles and closes the door as soon as his mom turns around to go to her room. He sticks his head out of the window and sees that Changbin is about to go inside his own room.

“Changbin, wait!” He manages to say in a hushed tone, before scrambling through his drawers in search of a notepad and a pen. He finds something on his old desk that he swears has been there since middle school. All the pens he finds seem to be dried out, but there’s an old pencil and he mentally thanks his mom for keeping everything exactly as it was when he left for college.

He writes his new phone number in a hurry, checking briefly to see if he didn’t make any mistakes. He wraps the paper on a small stone from his old collection, and runs back outside. He throws it to Changbin, who barely manages to catch it.

“It’s my phone number!” He glances back, over his shoulder. “My parents don’t want me talking to you, so this way we can talk,” he says with a smile, “they can’t check my phone anymore.”

Changbin carefully unwraps the piece of paper, lets the small stone fall onto his left hand, and stares at it for a moment, before looking back at Hyunjin.

“Okay,” he says softly.

* * *

Hyunjin has been to South Korea twice in his lifetime.

The first time was when he was eight and he had to attend his aunt's wedding ceremony. It was completely different from the weddings he saw on American movies, and he mostly remembers his aunt's quiet and pretty tears.

South Korea was a letdown compared to what Changbin, who spent every other summer break there, used to tell. His cousins didn't really play with him and trying to understand his grandparents' Korean was way too hard. The amusement park he was taken to was nowhere near as fun as his trip to Disneyland the year before.

The second time he went to South Korea was when he was thirteen and he had to attend his grandfather's funeral. It was the first and last time he saw his father shed tears.

Changbin's family was also there, visiting relatives.

Although he was supposed to be mourning, Changbin's presence made Seoul look like a magical place. It was as if his friend knew every corner of it, where were the best arcades, the best food stalls and the best spot to ride a bike along the Han River.

Denver looked colorless after that trip, but Changbin still managed to make things look interesting.

* * *

Hyunjin enters his room rubbing his still wet hair with a towel. He lets it hang around his neck while he sits on his bed and checks his neglected phone.

***

 **(04:09pm)**   
**seungmin:** did you land safely?

 **(05:03pm)** **  
****seungmin:**? hyunjin?

 **(05:24pm)** **  
****seungmin:** i saw you posted _and_ replied someone on twitter 

**(09:12pm)** **  
****seungmin:** is everything ok or? i know there's internet in colorado   
**seungmin:** especially in denver?

**(11:02pm)** **  
****You:** sorryyyyy   
**You:** i fell asleep right after posting that and then it was dinner 😥

 **seungmin:** i thought you were eaten by a bear or smt   
**seungmin:** you usually start complaining even before boarding the plane

 **You:** ye but i met a friend and we were talking   
**You:** i got distracted

 **seungmin:** you have friends in denver?

 **You:** RUDE   
**You:** remember changbin? i think i talked about him

 **seungmin:** the dude who went to prison?

 **You:** yep

 **seungmin:** isn't he dangerous tho?   
**seungmin:** why did you talk to him?

 **You:** he’s nice actually   
**You:** don’t worry it’s not that deep

 **seungmin:** if you’re saying…..

 **You:** 😘

*** 

**(10:41pm)**   
**(XXX) XXX-XXXX:** Hey   
**(XXX) XXX-XXXX:** It's Changbin

 **(11:18pm)** **  
****LCBS:** This is Hyunjin right?   
**LCBS:** I’m sorry if i got the wrong number

 **You:** hiiiii   
**You:** yep that’s me   
**You:** sorry, i just didn’t know how to answer kjlsajlkjdjskajk

 **LCBS:** Oh ok   
**LCBS:** I thought i might’ve texted the wrong number   
**LCBS:** It was hard to decipher this chicken scratch   
**LCBS:** Your handwriting still sucks

 **You:** RUDE   
**You:** i was in a hurry ok???

 **LCBS:** Yeah right

 **You:** and why do you capitalize your texts like an old man?

 **LCBS:** Changing the settings is too much work   
**LCBS:** And you’re the only one i text in english, so

 **You:** am i not worth the effort

 **LCBS:** Not really

 **You:** GASP!

 **LCBS:** I’ve been meaning to ask you something

 **You:** yeah?

 **LCBS:** When the fuck did you turn into a beanpole?   
**LCBS:** I saw it when you went back to your room   
**LCBS:** How tall are you now? 6?

 **You:** hehe   
**You:** i got my growth spurt in senior year   
**You:** i think i’m 5’10”? i’m not that tall   
**You:** oh btw   
**You:** i like your forehead :)

 **LCBS:**?

 **You:** thought you didn’t have one :D

 **LCBS:** YA

 **You:** it’s true, i’ve never seen you without bangs   
**You:** you look handsome tho :)

 **LCBS:** Thank you?

 **You:** it’s true :<

 **LCBS:** I believe you   
**LCBS:** It’s just… it’s weird

 **You:** what?

 **LCBS:** This   
**LCBS:** Everything   
**LCBS:** I think i’m still getting used things, i don’t know   
**LCBS:** Sorry for unloading this on you

 **You:** no! don’t be! :/   
**You:** actually, i’m happy you’re talking to me!   
**You:** i was sure you were still mad at me :c

 **LCBS:** I was   
**LCBS:** For a long time, but things have changed   
**LCBS:** I… hhhh   
**LCBS:** I prefer not talking about it right now, if it’s ok

 **You:** ye yeah sure   
**You:** i mean who am i to force you to talk about things you don’t wanna hahaha

 **You:** hhhhhh this is awkward uggggh

 **LCBS:** Sorry

 **You:** nononono it’s okay!  
 **You:** uhhhh okay, it’s late!  
 **You:** i’ll go to bed now!   
**You:** good night!

 **LCBS:** Good night


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please thank the quarantine for my productivity
> 
> daevid is Lee Daehwi, David is his actual english name

**Saturday, November 23rd**

A snowstorm is expected to hit Denver over the next week and that, combined with the Thanksgiving prep shopping, made the local Costco look like a warzone. Families are buying food in bulks and it’s impossible to know if it’s for the feast or to prepare themselves to be snowed in for the next week.

Hyunjin is accompanying his mom, following her through the aisles lazily, while pushing a cart that contains way more food than a family of three can possibly consume in a year. When she stops by the canned food aisle, he takes the chance to snap a selfie and sends it to Changbin.

***

**(01:28pm)** **  
** **You:** [image attachment]   
**You:** feeling bored and cute at costco

**LCBS:** Why are you sending me this?

**You:** because my mom dragged me to buy groceries with her and i’m bored   
**You:** wyd

**LCBS:** This   
**LCBS:** [image attachment]

**You:** and what’s that supposed to be?

**LCBS:** I’m kinda asking that myself   
**LCBS:** It’s like a crib/bed for my niece, she’s too big to sleep in her stroller now   
**LCBS:** And my parents wanted something she can use for a bit longer   
**LCBS:** Whenever she comes to visit   
**LCBS:** So they got this thing from ikea   
**LCBS:** Dad is struggling to build it, but he won’t let me help   
**LCBS:** And he was the one who asked me for help in the first place

**You:** maybe he just wanted your company?

**LCBS:** Believe me, that’s not the case at all   
**LCBS:** I don’t think they want me here

**You:** :/

***

Hyunjin’s mom starts walking again and his conversation with Changbin is cut short.

“Who were you talking to?” She asks, not looking up from the tomatoes she has in hand.

“A friend,” Hyunjin says, pocketing his phone and feeling it vibrate with a new message. His mom hums in response.

“From New York?” She puts a few tomatoes in a plastic bag.

“Y-Yeah,” he stutters a bit, “he’s a friend from work.”

“A good friend?”

“I think you could say so,” Hyunjin can’t stop a smile from forming on his lips, “yeah, he’s really nice.”

His mom looks him up and down in silence. Even as an adult, it still kinda terrifies him, like she’s able to read right through him, like he’s incapable of keeping any secrets from her.

“Bring him for dinner anytime,” she says, turning around to pick more vegetables. “You never talk about your friends, and the last one that visited us was Seo's boy and we all know how it went,” she says with a scowl. “I’m glad you stopped talking to him at the right time, son.”

Hyunjin shows a forced smile and decides to stay quiet, afraid of what he might say. He knows she would never believe that Changbin was never at fault.

They leave the frozen food aisle for last and on the way there, Hyunjin notices huge tubs of kimchi his mom looks at disdainfully. She grabs a frozen organic free-range turkey that is probably too big for the three of them and then she heads for the check-out, with Hyunjin on toll.

He helps her load the groceries in the car and hops onto the passenger seat. The snow hasn’t hit the town yet, but there was a thin layer of hoarfrost covering the ground early in the morning, reminding everyone of what was about to come. It had already melted by 10am, so everything is now wet and cold.

His mom drives slowly and carefully, like she would if the roads were covered in black ice, but that’s just how she drives normally. You can’t say Asians are bad drivers if this one drives so slowly she couldn’t possibly hit anything, even if she wanted to.

Coming home has always been a weird experience for Hyunjin, ever since he left for New York. Whenever he goes out, the familiar places from his childhood and teenage days are a stark reminder of why he left, and yet, while slowly cruising through the streets of Denver with his mother, he can’t help but feel a weird sense of nostalgia. He sees the now closed ice cream parlor he used to go to almost everyday during Summer, the corner store he and friends went to buy snacks after school. They drive by his old middle school and he spots a stump that used to be a tree under which he had his first kiss.

He cringes at his own memories, even though he notices now that he no longer remembers who that girl was or what she looked like. He hopes she’s happy, he hopes she found someone who isn’t desperately trying to pass as straight like he was in 8th grade.

As the car pulls up in their driveway, Hyunjin glances over to the Seo’s residence. That too is a nostalgic place for him. There are so many memories embedded in those pillars, he could make a new house out of them. 

Changbin's parents have always been more lenient and understanding than his own, so that's where he used to go when he got scolded. Their door was always open for him, there was always a snack and an extra box of juice. Changbin’s sister even forged his report card when he got a B- on a test.

It wasn’t uncommon that his mind conjured the Seos whenever someone asked what he missed the most about Denver.

With only five days left for Thanksgiving, Hyunjin’s mother begins the lengthy prepping process which consists in thawing the turkey for a whole day in a tub in the garage (it’s a huge turkey and it’s cold in there, so it takes a long time) and then leaving it in the brine for three days. These were all tips she got from a magazine clipping right after she first moved to the US and it never failed to yield the best and juiciest turkey Hyunjin has ever eaten. Every year, when he comes home, he takes at least half of it back with him to New York in neatly packed vacuum-sealed plastic bags that he places in the freezer and eats throughout the year. It literally saved his and Seungmin’s lives when they were still roommates in NYU.

Hyunjin goes back to his room once he finishes helping his mom to put away the groceries. He climbs out his window and after checking if his dad isn't doing anything outside the house, and then he lights up a much-needed cigarette.

The cold wind makes him shiver and the ridiculousness of the situation (him standing outside his window, trying not to touch anything because everything is wet, shivering because of the cold weather and keeping his ears open to check if his parents aren't around) makes him think if this is an addiction that is really worth maintaining. It isn't, but he's also not quitting anytime soon.

The curtains in Changbin's room are slightly drawn open, the only sign that he had indeed come back. He remembers the conversation they were having earlier, and brings his hand to his pocket, where his phone is, but the cold wind forces him to go back to his room.

Once he's back inside, he discards the cigarette butts in crumpled up tissue paper and sprays Febreeze all over his room. His parents won't say a thing if they think he spends all the time in his room jerking off, but they won't stop nagging him if they find out that he smokes. The logic is simple.

He pulls out his phone from his pocket, checking his chat with Changbin.

***

**You:** :/

**LCBS:** I mean, i get where they’re coming from   
**LCBS:** If i were them, i think i wouldn’t want to be around me either

**(01:42pm)** **  
** **LCBS:** Sorry, that was weird hahah   
**LCBS:** Forget what I said   
**LCBS:** I think my family and i need to the old sitting down and talking, but we’re not sure how to do that anymore

**(03:25pm)** **  
** **You:** sorry to leave you hanging!   
**You:** we had to finish out shopping trip at costco so i couldn’t be on my phone and then i had to help put away the stuff we brought home   
**You:** but don’t apologize!!!!!!   
**You:** i know things must be weird for you right now, so i’m more than happy to lend you an ear   
**You:** if you want me to, of course

**LCBS:** Thank you, hyunjin   
**LCBS:** It actually means a lot to me

**You:** (≧ω≦)ゞ

**LCBS:** In other news   
**LCBS:** [image attachment]

**You:** the crib!   
**You:** wow it actually looks nice once it’s assembled properly   
**You:** your dad figured out how to do it?

**LCBS:** Nah i had to do it   
**LCBS:** Wrangled the tools from him and did it all in an hour   
**LCBS:** He was trying to assemble it since today morning, i was losing my patience

**You:** it looks great!

**LCBS:** You learn a thing or two after going to the army and to prison   
**LCBS:** Who’d guess that’s what i needed to be finally useful around the house

**You:** i guess hahahaha

**LCBS:** Sorry it was a joke

**You:** hey 🙄

**LCBS:** Yeah, my dad didn’t think it was funny either   
**LCBS:** He laughed later tho   
**LCBS:** I think we're starting to come around   
**LCBS:** I did get his sense of humor after all

**You:** yeah, always the old man

**LCBS:** Ya 😤

***

Hyunjin smiles to himself.

It's still awkward and tentative, Hyunjin is still gauging the pliability of their mended relationship. He's still looking at the water from afar, still too scared to dip his toes and test the temperature.

Changbin's way of talking also feels a bit mechanical, like he's an old man who just recently got his first cell phone and is trying to text his grandchildren, like he hasn't talked to a real person in a while.  _ And maybe that's what it is _ , his mind provides him, and Hyunjin feels a bit of guilt.

When Changbin excuses himself to help his mom deep clean the whole house, Hyunjin sighs, already thinking of other subjects they can talk about.

* * *

The age of thirteen was mostly uneventful for Hyunjin. His days were filled with school and piano lessons and swimming club and pimples and joints that ached in response to his rapidly growing limbs.

It was also when girls and dating and porn became common subjects among the boys.

Hyunjin wasn't particularly interested in it. He wanted to talk about the latest episode of Attack on Titan, not about Katie's boobs.

But at thirteen, Hyunjin was still desperately trying to fit, to be part of the conversation, so he went along with them, faking interest and coming up with crushes he never had, just so he wouldn't feel left out.

"Do you like any of the girls at school?" He asked Changbin one day, when they were walking home from piano lessons.

"No?" The older answered, high-pitched voice still trapped in the limbo between boyhood soprano and teenager tenor. His answer was negative, but the way his ears turned into a deep red shade that spilled onto his cheeks told Hyunjin that Changbin might have not told the truth.

* * *

Hyunjin's mom spends the rest of the day cleaning the house and cooking, which isn't that uncommon, aside from the fact that it was still Saturday and she normally started doing those things on Tuesday night.

His dad is in the living room, watching some niche reality TV show tailor-made to suburban middle-aged dads on the gigantic flat screen TV that wasn't there the last time Hyunjin visited. He sits on the couch and tries to make sense of the show until dinner is ready, but maybe there's a minimum requirement of heterosexuality in order to enjoy a knife making competition and he's got none of that.

At the dinner table, it’s his father’s turn to ask if there’s anyone he’s interested in, if he has started thinking about settling down. Hyunjin quirks his eyebrow and says no. Those are things normally reserved for his mom to say and ask, and they only touch that subject on the first day of his stay, when they catch up on whatever is going on in their lives and then spend the rest of the days eating in silence.

Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency is playing on his laptop, on his bed. Hyunjin is sitting on a chair by the open window, smoking again.

The volume on the computer is low, he can barely hear what the characters are saying, but it’s okay. It’s a series he knows well, familiar and comforting, and that once a month makes him go on a rant about it being cancelled too early on.

It’s too cold to stay outside and that’s how Hyunjin prefers it anyway. That’s how he does in his apartment in New York. Lazily holding his cigarette between his lips while he texts his friends, something playing on the TV, the voices of the actors mingling with the noises coming from the The City That Never Sleeps.

Changbin’s window opens sometime around episode six and his third cigarette. He waves to Hyunjin and lights his own cigarette after putting on a thick jacket. He also doesn’t dare to step outside.

***

**(9:28pm)**

**🍕:** Hey neighbor

**You:** hey   
**You:** why are you texting me? i’m right in front of you

**🍕:** Eh   
**🍕:** Too much work   
**🍕:** Plus if your parents walk in on you they’ll see you talking to me   
**🍕:** Better be safe right?

**You:** yeah i guess you’re right   
**You:** thanks   
**You:** for looking out for me

**🍕:** Always

***

Hyunjin looks away from his phone, Changbin has his arms hanging outside the windowsill, typing away with his cigarette lodged between his teeth. He gives Hyunjin a sympathetic smile, the same kind he used to show whenever he needed extra encouragement and words couldn’t be used.

***

**You:** how was your day?   
**You:** aside from building furniture and playing cinderella

**🍕:** I was getting cooking lessons   
**🍕:** I’m glad my misery is funny to you

**You:** sorry hahahaha   
**You:** i just remembered that time you almost burned down your kitchen making popcorn   
**You:** why aren’t you banned from the kitchen for life?   
**You:** hey, i thought the point of us talking through text was so that my parents wouldn’t hear us talking   
**You:** you yelling yah defeats the purpose of it

**🍕:** Shut up   
**🍕:** My mom wants me to learn the basics before i go away   
**🍕:** But i think it’s her way of spending time with me

**You:** yeah that does sound like her   
**You:** where are you going to tho? do you have any plans?

**🍕:** Actually, i do   
**🍕:** I’m going to seattle   
**🍕:** i have a friend there who’s helping me set things up

**You:** oh that’s nice   
**You:** seattle is really far away tho

**🍕:** Yeah but it’s gonna be nice   
**🍕:** Like a clean slate and all that shit   
**🍕:** And you? How was your day?

**You:** same old shit   
**You:** slept in, got dragged to costco, came back to my room to not talk to my parents, got asked some dumb questions at dinner, came back to my room to not talk to my parents   
**You:** and now i’m talking to you   
**You:** hey you don’t need to look at me like that   
**You:** it’s fine, that’s how we’ve been since i moved out for college   
**You:** and it’s not like we were best friends to begin with, so

**🍕:** Can i call you?

**You:** why

**🍕:** Idk i prefer talking over the phone   
**🍕:** You know that   
**🍕:** And i think you need someone to talk to

***

Hyunjin sighs, he brings his legs close to his chest and hugs them, before taking a long drag of his cigarette and keeping the smoke in until his insides burned. He releases it slowly, watching it disappear into the night.

“Fine,” he says, instead of typing out the message.

His phone starts buzzing with Changbin’s income call a few seconds later and Hyunjin still flinches like he wasn’t expecting it. He fumbles with it for a few more moments before finally picking it up.

“Hey,” he says, stealing glances at Changbin.

_ “Talk to me,” _ Changbin’s voice sounds different through the static, and it’s weird to talk on the phone with someone who’s just twenty feet away.

“No, it’s just,” he rubs his face. He doesn’t really talk about it with anyone and he’s not sure if he should be doing it with Changbin right now. They’re not back at being best friends yet, but the elder’s familiarity tugs at Hyunjin’s heartstrings like a gravitational pull, certain and unavoidable. “I don’t know, coming home is always weird to me.”

Changbin hums, exhaling smoke through his nose.

“Ah, sorry!” Hyunjin apologizes, realizing his slip-up. “I didn’t mean to-- Why am I whining about things being awkward at home for you out of all people.”

_ “I said this yesterday, but I think it bears repeating: it’s fine.” _ Hyunjin hears it before it comes through his phone speaker. He can’t make up the words Changbin is saying from his room, but he can clearly hear the version that comes through electromagnetic waves.  _ “Don’t feel bad for talking about your problems to others just because they also have their problems. We’d never talk to anyone if that was the case. So,” _ a puff of smoke,  _ “talk to me. Why is it weird?” _

Hyunjin kills his cigarette in the mug he uses as a makeshift ashtray. He reaches for his Altoids and pops a couple of them in his mouth. “Like, whenever we talk, they ask me if I’m seeing someone, or tell me I should start thinking about finding someone,” he pops in a couple more mints and talks, chewing on them. “And if I say no, my mom will always mention someone’s niece who just moved from Korea, or that she knows so and so who also lives in New York and has a daughter who’s around my age. I guess that’s the next step of the plan they have laid out to me.”

_ “And do you want that?” _

“What?”

_ “Get married. Settle down. _ ” Changbin takes a last drag from his cigarette and plays with the filter between his fingers before stubbing it and throwing it away.

“No? I don’t know, that’s not even the matter,” Hyunjin ruffles his hair. He needs another cigarette. “It’s like they don’t have any interest in me? I told them I was gay years ago and they chose to ignore it completely.”

He exhales, emptying his lungs. He reaches for his pack and looks at Changbin, who has a weird expression on his face, a mix of pity and compassion. He gives up when he notices that Changbin isn’t even a little bit surprised.

“Why aren’t you reacting? I just came out to you.”

_ “Am I supposed to be surprised?” _ Changbin lifts an eyebrow, amused.  _ “I know you since you were like what? Six?” _

"That means nothing, my parents have known me since birth and look where we are now."

_ "Yeah, but I've always paid attention to you, and besides," _ he grabs his pack of cigarettes and pulls out a new one. _ "I know a gay when I see one." _

"Wait, what?" Hyunjin sits straight on his chair. "What do you mean?" He presses the phone with more strength against his ear, like that alone would give him an answer.

_ "Take a wild guess," _ Changbin says, cocky, except his words are slurred because he's lighting the cigarette and he mumbles them with his lips around the filter.

Hyunjin's mind short-circuits, he's a mere 120v light bulb plugged onto a 7000v power socket. The glass is too delicate to endure such violent energy intake and it explodes inside of him. It makes sense, in retrospect. The signs had always been there, he was just too stupid and blind to not notice them. Or maybe he ignored them on purpose.

"You're… gay too?" He asks dumbly, the most his brain can come up with.

_ "Yeah?" _ Changbin chuckles and even though they're not next to each other, Hyunjin feels the puff of air on his ear.

"Do your parents know?" He whispers, like they're doing a sleepover again and they have to be quiet because it's past their bedtime.

_ "That's one of the reasons we clashed when I was in highschool.” _

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

_ “No, it’s not what you’re thinking. Like, things were awkward for a while after my mom walked in on me making out with a guy in my room, but later, her and my dad were pretty chill with the whole me being gay part.” _

Hyunjin gapes at him, incapable of fully processing the information. On one hand, Changbin’s parents, and especially his mother, had always been understanding and welcoming. When Hyunjin called her “mom” by accident, she patted his hair and called him “son”. The next time he called her that, it wasn’t a slip of tongue. And, yeah, it would only make sense that the woman who welcomed the neighbor’s kid as her son would be fine with her own son’s sexuality.

“Then… what was the problem?” He asks tentatively, trying to start making sense of what happened years ago, but before that, his curiosity works faster than the rest of his brain. “Wait, who did your mom see you with?”

_ “She wanted me to hide myself, go into the closet, not let anyone know. It was her way of trying to protect me, she was scared someone would hurt me if they knew. I was an ass because that was my whole agenda back then.” _

Hyunjin simply sits there, back straight, no reaction. He sees Changbin under a whole metaphorical light, he’s now a whole different person and it has nothing to do with how much his appearance has changed in the six years they spent without seeing each other. Changbin had a whole side of himself Hyunjin never knew about and for some reason, it doesn’t sit right with him.

_ “Sam?” _ Changbin’s voice comes through the phone after he takes too much to answer, but Hyunjin sees concern painted on the elder’s face before technology does its magic.  _ “Was it too much?” _

“No. Yeah, I mean, kinda? I don’t know.” Hyunjin’s hand and mouth itch for a cigarette, but he doesn’t trust his fingers right now.

_ “A penny for your thoughts, Sammy.” _

“I--,” sigh, “don’t call me that, it feels weird when you do it. We’re not strangers,” he mumbles the last part.

_ “Okay,”  _ Changbin whispers,  _ “so, tell me.” _

“I’m just surprised because I had no idea. You never told me anything.”

_ “We had already stopped talking by then.” _

Something burrows in Hyunjin’s chest, an ugly bug akin to annoyance and entitlement. He tries to drown it, he pushes it down to his stomach, hoping the acids will dissolve it. Hoping it doesn’t creep its way up his throat.

“Yeah, I uh, I guess it’s none of my business,” he plays with a thread on his sweater. "You haven't answered me though. Who did your mom catch you making out with?" He asks teasingly.

_ "Does it even matter?" _

"Yeah? Wait, was it someone I know?" Changbin groans. "Was it someone from school?!"

Changbin whines, exactly the way he used to do when they were kids. "Uh… do you remember Kyle?"

“...Smith? From my AP math class?!” Hyunjin stands up at the same time as Changbin groans again. “Oh my God, Changbin, are you serious?”

_ “In my defense,”  _ he says weakly, puffing out smoke,  _ “it was high school and he was like, the only other guy I knew was gay. I’ve done worse though,”  _ he winces.

Their conversation doesn’t go much further than that, Changbin says he’s tired from all the physical labor he had to do throughout the day and Hyunjin feels the emotions he failed to tamp down earlier coming back tasting like acid on the back of his throat.

He carefully gets rid of the evidence of his smoking habit and when he comes back from the shower, the lights in Changbin’s room are off and the curtains are drawn closed. 

***

**i’m baby (3)**

**(11:32pm)** **  
** **You:** so, day 2 of my mountain retreat

**daevid:** i thought u lived in the suburbs with a cul de sac and everything

**minnie:** he does, he’s just being dramatic

**You:** AS I WAS SAYING   
**You:** i had some revelations today and i’m still reeling

**minnie:** is it still about prison guy?

**daevid:** wait what?   
**daevid:** omg sam you kinky slut

**You:** that’s not what ur thinking   
**You:** i have a childhood friend who went to prison a couple of years ago and now he’s back home   
**You:** and we have been catching up

**daevid:** oh that’s boring

**minnie:** so   
**minnie:** what did you want to tell us?

**You:** oh right   
**You:** so like, we were talking?   
**You:** and then i casually came out to him   
**You:** (we haven’t talked in like, 6 years)   
**You:** and he was like yeah so?   
**You:** and then not only he apparently knew i was gay before even i did   
**You:** but he’s also gay? and he never told me that? not even when we were still best friends?   
**You:** oh yeah and he also kissed THE token gay kid from our school   
**You:** who last time i checked was ugly as fuck

**minnie:** i mean if not even you knew you were gay back then   
**minnie:** i don’t think he had any obligation in coming out to you   
**minnie:** considering he might’ve been scared of what your reaction would be

**daevid:** to me sounds like ur mad for not getting to give ur homie a smooch   
**daevid:** and that he chose to do it with The Only Known Other Gay From School   
**daevid:** (we’ve all been there)

**You:** WHAT? no   
**You:** omg ew no

**daevid:** idk just a thought 🤷

**minnie:** oh?

**You:** no not you too

**minnie:** i’m just saying he does have a point

**daevid:** i’m always right

**You:** shut up!!!!

***

Hyunjin sets his phone in Do Not Disturb mode and sets an alarm for early morning. Sleep doesn’t come easily, but when he’s finally able to drift off, he dreams of his childhood.

* * *

At age fourteen, Hyunjin felt the kind of pressure only known to first generation immigrant kids, and as an only child, he didn't have anyone else to share that burden.

His parents expected him to go to an Ivy League college and study to be a doctor, an engineer or some other respectable professional. Expectations immigrant parents have on their children, they want their children to follow the same careers that brought them here. So, having good grades wasn’t enough, he was supposed to excel in all of his classes, participate in extracurricular activities, go well in his Korean classes and never miss church on Sundays.

At age fourteen, Hyunjin was done with everything.

“I wanna run away,” he said one day, laying like a starfish on the carpeted floor of Changbin’s room.

He couldn’t see it, but he could feel Changbin’s eyes on him, he could even imagine the expression he had on his face. 

“My mom was nagging me again because I got a B in Science. She said I won’t be able to get to Harvard if I keep getting these grades.”

“Sure,” Changbin said. Hyunjin turned his head to the elder’s direction so fast he heard the joints in his neck crack.

“What?” His voice cracked, maybe from surprise, maybe from puberty.

“I said sure,” Changbin shrugged, because he was bored and running away sounded like the best thing to do on an early June afternoon.

They emptied their school backpacks and filled them with snacks and a couple of spare clothes, then grabbed their bikes and headed to wherever they felt like going. There was no set destination, no plan. They didn’t have enough to buy train or bus tickets because Changbin spent all his money increasing his CD collection and Hyunjin had a vast lineup of shitty Pokémon figurines he got from toy capsule machines that consumed most of his monthly allowance.

Their mission was set to fail from the start, they should’ve planned it if they were really serious about running away. Hyunjin’s mom found the “don’t come after me” note on his desk and when she found them, the sun had already set and actually had stopped at a park because Hyunjin was scared to keep biking in the dark.

Changbin took all the blame because he promised to be a good hyung even though Hyunjin never called him that anymore. He sat through the hour-long lecture from both sets of parents, holding Hyunjin’s hand, like he was the one who needed to be comforted.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> as always, thank you oonseentia 
> 
> [I have a twitter](https://twitter.com/emmerits) and a [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/emmerits)


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